“Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.”
“When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person,not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.”
“When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.”
I’m not one to care about what happened.
I actually spend my time, sitting, thinking about the past, asking myself why it happened. Tracing back my steps to figure out what went wrong.
There is so much I’ve already said to you and yet I still feel like there’s so much more I need to get off my chest. First, I just want to apologize. I’m sorry for hurting you and becoming just another person who betrayed you. I wish I could tell you exactly what it is that made me do all the things I did or didn’t do, but I can’t give you a straight forward answer. I can only tell you how I feel.
I’ve always liked you, I’ve liked you before we started dating, I liked you before we started talking. I liked you when you were dating Emily, but you two were really good friends of mine and I couldn’t ruin that, so I just kept my mouth shut. I was a friend, I was always there for you, even when you and Emily had problems and I wished it was me.
Then summer going to sophomore year came around and you two broke up. I never thought I’d have a chance with you, because I wasn’t the type of girl guys fall for. I was just always the girl on the side, the best friend, you know?
But when Victoria switched spots with you in Algebra 2 because she couldn’t see, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. We sat in the back corner of the room the whole first semester and I don’t regret getting a bad grade in that class at all, you were worth it.
You chased me for so long, but I didn’t dare to hurt Emily anymore than you did, I couldn’t. So I turned you down so many times and I am sorry for that. But after a while, I asked myself, why am I stopping myself from happiness? I deserve happiness too, so I let you in.
The first eight months of our relationship was amazing. We had our ups and downs, but we learned so much about each other and somehow we still wanted to be with each other. I knew there was no one else I wanted to be with more than you.
Then Junior year happened and, you left. I’ll never know why you chose to go to a different high school than be with me everyday like we did our sophomore year. We knew it’d be hard to have a relationship with someone at a different school, but we debated whether we wanted to keep going or end it, and for a little while, we thought we could make it through, because our love was that strong. The letters, visits, and hours of phone calls in the beginning made it easy to stay close. I still loved you more than I thought it was possible to love anyone.
You left for a while, left me alone, lost at sea. For two months, I begged and plead for you to stay, but you wanted nothing of me. You said the separation was good for us. We needed time off each other, so I woke up one morning telling myself that today was the day, I would let you go. Ironically, that’s the day you came back to me. You asked me to be your girlfriend again, and of course my heart was going to let you back in because I loved you.
For a good while, things were great between us. We never fought like we used to, we smiled, we laughed, we enjoyed each other’s company.
Then problems started arising, I still can’t figure out why, but even through all that, my feelings never changed for you. We learned how to stick it out because we’d been together for a year already. Time flew.
New years of 2011 rolled around, I met your uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents. When we went around to tell every one of your family members happy new years, I remember vividly, you going up to your mom and saying, “Happy New Years Mom, from your son and your future daughter in law.” I think you jinxed us?
You said you wanted your 2011 to be revolved around me like your 2010 was, and then one day.. You just changed your mind. You wanted nothing of me and this time, you never came back, only for those days at Oscar’s and those night’s at Johnny’s.
Never in my whole entire life have I ever felt that used, that betrayed. Even in your absence of my life, you knew how to make me feel bad about myself. I hated you. I said I was done with you. We stopped talking, this time I swore it was for good.
And then summer rolled around, I heard you were talking to Alexis and fucked one of your best friend’s sisters. I was sososo happy for you and Alexis, until you dropped her, came back to me and told me you loved me still, that you never stopped. So we started talking again and you told me you and Alexis were just friends, and that was it, you didn’t like her in that way, that you love me. But I let you go. And once again, we stopped talking, and like I said before, I swore this time it was official.
I started my senior year without you. I knew this year was going to be my year, nothing was going to bring me down, or break me apart. Then one day, I get a message from you saying you’ll be coming back to Ceres high. That was probably one of the most bittersweet days of my life. I hated it, but at the same time, I was really happy. You always told me you’d come back and you kept your word for once.
After you came back, we started talking again. It was like everything was the same again, but it just wasn’t. We hit it off like we did our sophomore year, and then we ruined it like we did our junior year.
And then we stopped talking again.. But like always, it isn’t for sure.
You made and ruined my high school days, it pretty much revolves around just you.
So, where do we stand?
Are you back to stay or are you here to stay then leave once more just to come back again?
“People come and go - they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in your favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.”
In the beginning, everything wasn’t perfect, but it was real. We had our ups and our downs, but you saved me. It sounds silly and cliche, but it’s true. I had already hit rock bottom. I dug myself a hole that you helped me climb out of.
You made me feel so alive, something I’ve never felt before.
So there should really be no surprise that I fell head over heels for you. I was foolish, I was naive. I was fifteen. I believed everything because you were the first person who wanted to be a part of my life, you were the first person who wanted more of me.
I don’t think either of us ever imagined we’d be together, how could we? How could we have known we’d be something, something so precious?
It was like an ourburst of feelings. I felt every emotion known to man and beast.
I guess I should have known that it would end badly, I mean we were only sophomores and I’ve never been lucky with anything, so why would you be any different? You were the most perfect thing in my life. You were my safe haven. You were home, to me.
And then everything changed.
The one person who could always make me feel better was the one who made me depressed. It was like an outburst of feelings. I felt every bad emotion known to man and beast and the higher powers.
After so much time and memories, I just became unwanted in another person’s life. But you promised me you’d come back, so I hung onto those words oh so tight because I believed in you. I had faith, I stuck it out, you left.
In the end, we became nothing.
“Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists… When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.”
